Seekers of wisdom, weary men, and accidental saints – welcome. Today, I unveil a spiritual practice, perfected through years of trial and despair while loitering outside trial rooms: following the significant other as she “just peeps into shops” – in Montreal, Moscow, Montenegro or Manipur.

You think patience comes from meditation? Ha! Patience is forged by standing in the “50% Off – Final Clearance” section for forty-five minutes while she  debates whether polka dots are still in fashion.

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Lesson 1: Time is an illusion 

She says, “Just one store.” You believe her. That is your first mistake. Time bends in the gravitational field of a sale sign. Ten minutes for her is ten centuries for you. Welcome to eternity.

Lesson 2: participation without  presence 

You will be asked questions like, “Do you think this looks good on me?” Understand: this is not a question. This is a trap. Master the sacred phrase: “Yes, perfect” and deliver it with the conviction of an experienced thespian who is day dreaming about sitting in a cafe, sipping a Negroni.

Lesson 3: Emptiness 

As your day dreams wane – so does your ego. Soon you will no longer care about anything. You have transcended.

Lesson 4: Trial by bags 

At the end of the all the research,  she may finally purchase a thing or two . And when she does, she will hand it to you. Those shopping bags are not mere fabric and plastic. They are sacred weights – symbols of suffering, badges of endurance, proof of your spiritual progress. Carry them proudly, pilgrim.

Lesson 5: Nirvana in the aisles 

Around the seventh store, your brain will quietly shut down. You will stop thinking, stop caring, stop resisting. You will achieve pure thoughtlessness.

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